All words below are a result of my dumb brain thinking of different, preposterous situations that are funny to me. Enjoy.

September 24th, 2018 – LOS ANGELES

It’s media day for the Los Angeles Lakers. There is more buzz surrounding this Lakers media day than there has been since the great Kobe Bryant was playing his final season. The reason for this new buzz is the arrival of LeBron James and Paul George, which seemingly puts the Lakers back in title contention. It was heavily rumored for a while that George was wanting to come to his hometown Lakers, but LeBron’s decision was speculated all the way to the first day of free agency, July 1st.

On that day he chose the Lakers for the obvious reasons of his future entertainment industry pursuits along with what a championship with the storied franchise would do for his legacy.

These reasons had been talked about for almost a year leading up to Decision 3.0. One unforeseen reason that The King had for coming to L.A. though, was to help Lonzo Ball father his child with his girlfriend, Denise Garcia.

How We Got Here

In late June, Lonzo decided to disown his loud and outspoken father, LaVar Ball. As a result, Lonzo prevented him from being the grandfather of his child with Denise. It was a crazy, unprecedented move (fitting since LaVar is an unprecedented sports dad) that shocked the sports world.

Many wondered why LeBron would join a team that had LaVar Ball looming over it, but Lonzo’s decision eliminated that worry.

Obviously it was later revealed that removing LaVar from the scenario gave LeBron another reason to come.

LeBron wanted to challenge himself as he started the final stretch of his career. Taking Paul George and these young Lakers to the Finals was definitely a formidable challenge. LeBron saw an even bigger and more rewarding challenge though, and that was helping Lonzo.

LeBron had this to say:

“You know I looked at all my options and considered the pros and cons of each franchise wanting me to come to them. The Cleveland Cavaliers—well—flat out suck. The Philadelphia 76ers definitely provided me a team that could help me blow through the East for my 9th straight Finals appearance, but I didn’t want to take the ball out of the hands of my fellow Klutch agency member, Ben Simmons. The Houston Rockets definitely gave me a chance for a title pursuit alongside James Harden and Chris Paul, but I just didn’t like that city. After considering those options, I took a look at the Lakers.

I’m all about challenging myself, and there didn’t seem like a more rewarding challenge than taking Paul George and these young Lakers to their first Finals alongside Magic Johnson, Rob Pelinka, Jeanie Buss, and Luke Walton.

But along with that challenge, I saw another one. I saw Lonzo having problems with LaVar, and I saw a 20 year old who was going to be a father without the guidance of his own father. I found myself picturing me helping Lonzo raise his child, while also helping Lonzo be a quality point guard in this league. I truly couldn’t think of a better and more fulfilling challenge to close out my illustrious career. So here we are!”

Lonzo Ball also had this to say at media day:

“After getting past all the stuff with my dad, I found myself terrified of facing fatherhood alone. On top of that, I still had the pressure from Lakers Nation and Magic to take this storied franchise back to the Finals. LeBron has come in and relieved all that pressure. He has been a tremendous help; changing diapers, putting the kid to sleep, and just giving me and Denise time to go on date nights. He truly has been the best stand-in grandpa that anyone can ask for. Also, our team doesn’t suck anymore, so that’s good too.”

Paul George was asked about what he thought regarding the whole situation:

“If I knew I would be surrounded by all this weird s— I would have stayed with Westbrook and ‘Melo.”

Lonzo Ball’s teammate and friend, Kyle Kuzma, also weighed in on the situation:

“Kuzmania over BBB. F— Lonzo and his daddy Le–”

*LeBron pokes his head around the corner as he hears Kuzma*


Kuzma: “Um, uh, nothing Mr. James!”

“That’s what I thought.”

As for what LaVar had to say about all of this?

“Man, Lonzo was the worst out of my three sons anyways. LiAngelo and LaMelo are going to take their talents to the Clippers, the BETTER L.A. basketball franchise. Ask Doc Rivers!”

Doc Rivers, when reached out to for a comment: